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5 Ways To Manage Social Anxiety So You Can Put Yourself Out There

Jul 11, 2022
 

"I need to figure this out because I want to be able to make new friends..." 

Have you ever been at a group dinner or BBQ and NEEDED to find some job to help out because you had a little social anxiety? The nerves have to go somewhere, so it might as well be helpful and maybe act as a way to keep from talking to people?

I remember Tim Ferriss talking about this exact scenario on his podcast and relating to the "if I'm busy, I can't be anxious" strategy for large gatherings (see his talk with Susan Cain here). Like me, Tim self-identifies as introverted. Like Tim, I have needed to harness my social anxiety to survive in the world.

So how can someone conquer their social anxiety? It's a big question. For me, it came out of necessity. In high school, I was awesome at blending into the background in every situation. I'm pretty sure some people didn't realize I could talk because I was super quiet with most people. Though, if we could get to a certain point of friendliness, we could talk forever.

That's a great strategy when you have an established network of friends. But what happens when things change? College was a looming deadline for the safety of the people I knew because I chose to go to a school where I didn't know anyone from home.

During the last half of high school, I kept thinking, "I need to figure out how to get out of my head enough to connect with people if I were to make new friends. Otherwise, I'll be the weird lonely guy at college."

Part of my struggle was not knowing how to talk to people. Small talk seemed too superficial, and people tended to freak out if you asked them more profound questions. Another part of my struggle was feeling super anxious putting myself out there. I knew I needed to do SOMETHING. But I wasn't sure what.

Then an opportunity presented itself.

A friend was hosting an open mic after school and needed poets or musicians. She asked me if I could help out. I felt my scalp getting sweaty as I agreed to sing and play guitar for 15 minutes. 

So side note: I had taken guitar lessons for about three months, could barely string together a few chords, and could not carry a tune.

I figured if I could survive this experience, I could survive anxiety approaching strangers when I was at school.

Have you ever heard your heartbeat through your head as you approached getting on a stage? It's kinda funny looking back, but it is not fun when it's happening to you. 

I remember the bright lights that thankfully concealed most of the crowd. I remember the long silence as my guitar got plugged in, with about 50 people in the musty high school auditorium. I remember words getting caught in my throat as I started to sing.

Then everything relaxed, and I went for it.

At one point, I saw the silhouette of a classmate swaying and singing along.

I then realized that when you put yourself out there, most people want to see you succeed. 

After I finished my few songs, I reapplied I hadn't died and that maybe I'd be ok during college. I still think back to this experience when the anxiety creeps up, and it's calming to know I'll be ok.

So, what's important to take away?

  • Don't always believe your anxiety; you can overcome it
  • Other people are more encouraging than not
  • Putting yourself out there is a psychological skill worth honing.

Not to worry, you can work on your social anxiety! My go-to habits are as follows:

  1. Work out all the emotions
  2. 3-second rule
  3. Work with a few people, not the whole crowd
  4. Get busy doing something helpful
  5. Exposure Therapy + Reason To Deal

If you have tremendous social anxiety, it's probably a great idea to talk to a trained psychologist to get it figured out. However, if you are functional, try these five strategies before your next big outing.

Managing social anxiety doesn't need to be debilitating. Your social anxiety is only as big as you let it grow. 

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